Thursday, August 20, 2009

Little by little


The yarn is Opal Hundertwasser "Positive Soul Trees, Negative Human Houses in the cotton variety, bought two years ago so I'm not sure how widely available it is any longer. This sock. Has been. The bane of my knitting existence this summer. I overestimated its yardage capacity over and over and over again. Top down, I was aiming for a mid to high calf length pair of socks on only one ball. Ha! I split the yarn evenly by weight, and knit, ripped, knit, ripped and knit again (maybe even one more rip in there, but I lost count). I resolved the problem by getting down to the toe with precious few yards left over and changing to a contrasting color to finish it off. I have one sock done. The other has been started but I need a break. I'm still mad at it. Or myself. Whatever. That sock is the metaphor for life right now. Progress, backward steps, frustration and exhaustion. Over and over again. Ready for a "progress" stretch any time now!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Washed Out


Washed out, in more ways than one. This photo was taken in my childhood hometown after a large storm dumped massive amounts of water in a short time and washed out several roads this June. I didn't dare stand too close to the edge, as it was I had crossed the barriers at my own risk. This is a good representation of myself right now, I have been terribly sleep deprived for over two years but now that my littlest ones sleep the night I just can't.

In addition, fibromyalgia is getting the better of me and I'm more than a little depressed about it all. This, and a combination of other things have helped me come to the decision to wean the babies from breastfeeding in order to explore some drug treatments. Even though I nursed Anne until 2 years and 7 months, Adrian *only* got 14 months to nurse. It kills me that he didn't get equal time in, or that I am giving it up rather than waiting for them to lose interest (ok, Anne never would and I'd have to cut her off anyway!). But I need this, I am washed out, worn out, pooped out. For those precious few of you who visit me regularly, I'm sure you've noticed how much I've slowed down in posting. I have had no energy to take photos, despite family members clamoring for more shots of their (great) grand babies. There are a few dishcloths I've pumped out, but who really wants to see the same garter diamond ten times over?

The babies are weaned now, I am certain this is part of my depression, emotional and chemical and hormonal. Blood has been drawn for lab work and I have appointments on the calendar for me now as well as the children's usual check ups and whatnots. I even have a babysitter so I can go by myself (what's that? it's so strange!) to focus with the doctor without distractions. Being with the children really is a choice, I prefer to have them with me and if I wanted to get away I'm sure I could arrange it. But doctor and physical therapy appointments really require me to go alone, and a little time to myself is good, I know. And now with the youngest not dependent on nursing, ok, in reality he's not been dependent on that for several months now, Martin and I left them with uncle Nick and aunt Summer and we went out to a movie - our first movie date in years. YEARS. It was so good, and I look forward to more date nights.

So, here I am, washed out and broken down but hey, there's still road left on the other side. I'm working to climb out and keep going forward. It's harder than I thought and I'm not known to be a very patient person, and not used to being stopped in my tracks. It has been a good time to make the best of it despite limitations, to find meaning and happiness in life in the middle of difficulty and sorrows.