Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Washed Out

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Washed out, in more ways than one. This photo was taken in my childhood hometown after a large storm dumped massive amounts of water in a short time and washed out several roads this June. I didn't dare stand too close to the edge, as it was I had crossed the barriers at my own risk. This is a good representation of myself right now, I have been terribly sleep deprived for over two years but now that my littlest ones sleep the night I just can't.

In addition, fibromyalgia is getting the better of me and I'm more than a little depressed about it all. This, and a combination of other things have helped me come to the decision to wean the babies from breastfeeding in order to explore some drug treatments. Even though I nursed Anne until 2 years and 7 months, Adrian *only* got 14 months to nurse. It kills me that he didn't get equal time in, or that I am giving it up rather than waiting for them to lose interest (ok, Anne never would and I'd have to cut her off anyway!). But I need this, I am washed out, worn out, pooped out. For those precious few of you who visit me regularly, I'm sure you've noticed how much I've slowed down in posting. I have had no energy to take photos, despite family members clamoring for more shots of their (great) grand babies. There are a few dishcloths I've pumped out, but who really wants to see the same garter diamond ten times over?

The babies are weaned now, I am certain this is part of my depression, emotional and chemical and hormonal. Blood has been drawn for lab work and I have appointments on the calendar for me now as well as the children's usual check ups and whatnots. I even have a babysitter so I can go by myself (what's that? it's so strange!) to focus with the doctor without distractions. Being with the children really is a choice, I prefer to have them with me and if I wanted to get away I'm sure I could arrange it. But doctor and physical therapy appointments really require me to go alone, and a little time to myself is good, I know. And now with the youngest not dependent on nursing, ok, in reality he's not been dependent on that for several months now, Martin and I left them with uncle Nick and aunt Summer and we went out to a movie - our first movie date in years. YEARS. It was so good, and I look forward to more date nights.

So, here I am, washed out and broken down but hey, there's still road left on the other side. I'm working to climb out and keep going forward. It's harder than I thought and I'm not known to be a very patient person, and not used to being stopped in my tracks. It has been a good time to make the best of it despite limitations, to find meaning and happiness in life in the middle of difficulty and sorrows.

1 comment:

BetterKateThanEver said...

Melissa, you are in my prayers. I've so enjoyed your sharing simple, beautiful moments as a mother of young childen, something I miss so much sometimes. I hope you are doing well.